Blair's nuclear dream

Tony Blair came out in favour of nuclear power today despite widespread opposition.
"Oil and gas are running out," he said, "and alternatives like wind and solar power simply do not do enough damage to the environment."
He pointed out that nuclear power is comparatively clean in normal circumstances but said: "It will only take one major cock-up for nuclear power to do far more impressive environmental damage than oil has ever achieved."
Proprietor of electricity generating company Man-MountainoGen Mr Gapi Aire said he was delighted with Mr Blair's comments. "I have all these uranium rods in my garden shed I haven't known what to do with."

Environmental air transport launched

A REVOLUTION IN air transportation has been announced by British Twangways, the aviation division of Man Mountain Enterprises.
TwangTM uses the energy stored in household elastic to propel passengers up to 700 miles. A special launch system has been developed with can be installed in relatively small spaces, including an averagely sized back garden.
"“Current air transport has a number of significant disadvantages," said Prof Echnuel Fowel, the brains behind the new system. "These include the cost and environmental damage due to the use of aviation gasoline, the inconvenience of hanging around airports, and the increasing delays due to security."


Environmental groups have applauded the new concept.
"I think it'’s bloody brilliant,"” said Dave Intopressure of the Society for Cosseting Albatrosses and Badgers. "“To think: it will no longer be necessary to use hundreds of gallons of aviation fuel which causes greenhouse gases."
Green lobbiests have been warning for some time about the dangers of exploding greenhouses if we continue to pump them full of the waste gases from airliners.
"“Now all that is history," said Intopressure. "“You will be able to fly from your back garden in London to the south of France using only renewable elasticated energy."
But not everyone is pleased by the development. "“I think it'’s a complete disgrace,"” said Ed Teeth (known to his friends as Grit) of the Society of Careless Earth Destroyers. "“If everyone fills their garden with knicker elastic, what will be the impact on the environment then? We'’ve been using jet airliners for years and the levels of exploding greenhouses have been comparatively low. It is all a question of assessing the risks of horrible death."
Prof Fowel was keen to stress the benefits for the everyday traveller. "“For short-haul flights you will now be able to leave whenever you want. Simply by activating the ratchet system, your TwangPodTM can be ready in a matter of minutes. Then it'’s off to wherever you want to go in a 700 mile radius."
A spokesman for British Airways said the company would not be making an immediate investment in the TwangTM system.
"This may very well be the future," said Captain Rip Uptherunway. "But we want to wait and see. The system still has a couple of technical details which need to be ironed out. The first is that it will only deliver passengers to a destination 700 miles away --– it won'’t go any other distance. The second is that the landing procedure has not be thought through. We don't believe that rubber sponges tied to the front of the craft will be sufficient to prevent passenger injury."
Mr Grave E Train, British Twangways managing director, has told Adenews exclusively that the new system has already gone into production.
"“We are using a sophisticated hybrid material call PAP E-A MashyTM. This is cheap yet robust and, importantly, environmentally friendly. The elastic is being supplied by Marks and Spencer."
To find out more about this transport system or to book your exclusive seat on the first British Twangways flight, call 0800 TWANG.

Wind power problems

Windmills could be slowing down the weather according to research by the Adenews Hyper Environment Labs published today.
"Inevitably wind turbines slow the air flow locally," said Prof E Terol. "But our findings show that if there are enough turbines, the whole weather system will slow down. Already we can detect the weather arriving 2.38 seconds late in the UK. Our models show that if there were 20,000 turbines the weather would be four days late."
The pro-wind lobby has criticised the research as "invalid" and "unhelpful".
"Even if these findings are true, it does not mean we should abandon this valuable sustainable resource," said Don Keoty of Wind for the Twenty First Century and Beyond. "At worse we will have to periodically put our calendars back, as we do at the moment with our clocks."
But Mrs Sacha Panxo of pressure group Not Small-minded for Nothing commented: "No-one wants to be eating Christmas pudding in July. These monstrosities must be torn down now, while there is still time."

Alternative fuel worries

Scientists have today raised concerns about the health risks associated with the increased use of vegetable oil in diesel engines.
With recent rises in oil prices, motorists have been switching from traditional diesel to chip fat. Diesel engines will operate quite normally on various vegetable-derived products.
However, experts say that this practice may introduce health risks. Speaking from the AdeLabs Foodstuffs Propulsion Laboratory, Prof Kline Ikeleinsaen said:
"We are worried about passive obesity. Insufficient research has been carried out, but we have to ask: will people who breath through their mouths suddenly notice enormous weight gain?"
The vegetable oil industry was quick to dampen speculation about health risks. Mr Grave E Train 28 stone proprietor of Man Mountain Chip Shop supplies said:
"There is absolutely no evidence that running your car on vegetable oil will make pedestrians clinically obese. No-one has actually tested diesel. Possibly the rise in its use can be linked to increases in obesity."
Campaigners are also worried the effect on the environment. "If you can cook chips with this stuff," said Graeme Pace from the Campaign for Increased Greenity, "surely it must have an effect on global warming."
Meanwhile, investigations into alternative fuels may be at risk. "We are having to take a precautionary approach," said Prof Ikeleinsaen. "Research into cream bun based automotive fuel has had to be put on hold while we go into the whole thing."